Committments
by wishonastar
Summary: Jo and John work out their relationship......or at least try to.
1. Chapter 1

**Committments**

Jo Mills fought her way through a barrage of eager journalists, who in turn fought each other; and to the victor, the spoils. Each newshound wanted the exclusive concerning what could be perhaps the biggest trial that the country had seen in recent years. It had been discovered that certain government officials had accepted cash bribes from certain businessman in order to conceal the damaging effects of certain vaccinations. Of course, due to the sensitive nature of the case, naming the politicians and their business benefactors was, as yet, strictly off limits. Judge John Deed, however, knew exactly who was implicated and was not sorry to see them arriving in court.

When Jo had finally managed to push her way into the court building, she headed straight for Justice Deed's chambers. Passing Mrs Cooper in the corridor, she asked the traditional, "is he in?" When Coop nodded, Jo felt her pace quicken and noticing this, she felt a little foolish, reminding herself that she was far from a lovesick teenager. Entering the room, Jo found the judge at his desk, scanning his computer screen with the eyes which so often drew her back to him after yet another row.

"Anything interesting?" she asked playfully, still standing in the doorway.

John looked up and smiled. Then, in one swift movement, he crossed the room, took Jo in his arms and kissed her soundly. Moments later, the couple parted, breathless.

"Was that intended for any particular purpose?" Jo asked, half laughing, "what is it you've done now?"

"I just missed you," John stated with a sincerity which never failed to touch Jo's very core.

"We were together last night!"

"And that," said Deed, tightening his hold around Jo's waist, "was a whole….ten hours ago."

Jo smiled to herself, "maybe we are just like teenagers," she laughed, disentangling herself from the arms encircling her and moving to pour herself a drink.

"Excuse me?" John asked, puzzled.

"Oh nothing. So, what had you so engrossed?" she enquired, seating herself in the sofa in front of the large oak desk.

"Oh just an email from Charlie, asking for help with her case down in Brighton," explained John, moving to sit beside Jo. Adjusting positions so that Jo's head was resting on the strong shoulder beside her, and a strong arm was free to snake its way around her waist, the pair chatted together for a while.

It struck jo, some minutes later, how refreshing it was to simply chat, rather than argue or, even worse, not talk at all. It had been a wonderful month ever since the decision to re-open the high profile pharmaceutical trial as, even though both Jo and John had been busier than ever, they had reached a very important decision together.

Tired of attempting to sneak around like naughty teenagers, getting caught like naughty teenagers and having their relationship used against them like consenting, but rule breaking adults, the judge and barrister had decided that it was time to officially declare their intention to have a relationship. Of course, this was purely a formality, an overdue one at that, as everyone who knew them knew of their existing love affair, but declaring it officially meant that she could stay at his apartment as often as she wished, and he at hers. This was a privilege which was appreciated greatly by both parties.


	2. Chapter 2

**Commitments Chapter 2**

Matthew Holdings stood on the steps of Sussex Court about to make a very dangerous proclamation to the nation's press. As one of the Radical Lawyer's for Justice, this feeling was the feeling for which he lived; the feeling of doing something which the establishment deemed to be wrong, in the name of what he deemed to be justice. Even when he knew that his case could be at risk, his struggle for justice would not allow him to care. In this case, he had decided that it was unjust that the politicians and state officials implicated in a certain high profile case should be shielded from disgrace by the laws of witness and defendant protection. Holdings therefore believed it to be his duty to reveal these names written on the list in his hand, to the pack of ravenous journalists surrounding him.

John Deed, however, steeping out of his car, knew that Holdings should under no circumstances be talking to the press on the courtroom steps. Hurrying over, he pulled Holdings swiftly to one side. "Whatever you're planning, don't you dare," warned Deed.

"Get your hands off me! This case has nothing to do with you!"

"Matthew!" spat Jo, who had by this point joined the two men having come, of course, from John's car, "inside now!"

________________________________________

Upon reaching John's chambers, having reminded a sheepish looking Holdings that he could be prosecuted for discussing the case with the press, John's mood was greatly worsened. This case meant a great deal to him, after having waited years to see the smug smile wiped from Neil Houghton's face. If anything were to jeopardise its progress, Deed would be more than slightly displeased.

"John?" asked Jo, entering the room, "what was all that about? I thought we were getting coffee, I turned around and you'd gone?!"

"That bloody group was in serious danger of jeopardising this whole case Jo!" stated John, rather too harshly, taking Jo by surprise a little.

"If, by 'that group' you mean Radical Lawyers for Justice then I suggest you take care to remember that I am one of 'that group."

"No you're not Jo, that's the point! You never will be! And what's more you have absolutely no control over them!" By this point, John's voice had risen to a rousing yell as he stood, looking directly at Jo, who was aghast at his abuse.

"What?! How dare you! I believe we've had this conversation before John, and you managed to convince yourself then that they were nothing like you, or that you missed the fight; but I think you do, don't you?" she asked angrily.

"I will not have your incompetent assistants get this case thrown out of court Jo and I swear that I will hook you out of that set, I -"

"Who the hell do you think you are?! Just because we've had a few good times over the last month doesn't mean you can barge in and just take control of my life, I won't let you John!"

"For God's sake Jo, I don't know whether you're trying to recapture your youth or something by joining this set, but you need to accept that you don't belong with them. Come on, this is the first decent case you've had in months!"

"I didn't know that justice came in ranks of which is the worthiest, maybe I missed that seminar -"

"Yeah well Jo, it's a pretty desperate move, joining a pack like that. Desperate and stupid!"

The room was eerily silent after that last outburst, neither party knowing what to say next. Of all their arguments, this one seemed strangely the most intense and spontaneous. The fair woman in question stared at John with an anger in her eyes, as John moved towards her, and in one brief movement, crushed his lips against hers; one hand at the back of her head, one at her waist, both pressing her to him. Jo's resolve to resist this amorous advance soon melted, as her arms, poised to push John away, suddenly found themselves wound around his neck and running through his hair. This had always been Jo Mills' problem, she never meant to cave in, she wanted to stay mad at him and sometimes she had even wanted him out of her life for good, but she could never quite bring herself to say goodbye to the man that she knew she loved more than life itself.

But today, Jo knew that she had the chance to change and that if there was going to be any real chance of a lasting relationship between the two of them, then the truth needed to come out. Pushing John away, Jo summoned the sense she needed and declared, "no! John you can't just expect one kiss to be all that's needed for me to forgive you for what just came out of your mouth -"

"Jo!"

"No! This case is as important to me as it is to you and as for 'recapturing my youth' well, I'd rather be a hundred years old than revert to being completely under your spell. I don't know if all of my decisions are correct John, and I admit that freely, but then again I don't claim them to be!"

"God I want you so much when you're angry."

With all the anger left in her, this comment gave Jo the perfect opportunity to reward John with a harsh slap to the face, before storming form the room and slamming the door behind her.

Timing never was John's strong point.


	3. Chapter 3

Several days had passed before John heard anything from Jo. She called, and got his answer machine, so left a message saying that he had left some papers relevant to a case he was hearing, in her apartment so she would leave them with Coop that afternoon. She added silently, to herself, that she wanted to avoid any possible meeting with John.

However, Jo needn't have worried, as unbeknownst to her, John Deed would not be in court that afternoon. Instead, he would be spending the day in his London apartment, not reading over the papers for this new case, as he should be, but drinking as much as he had drunk for the last two days. John had never been a heavy drinker and only ever used drink as an escape from high anxiety levels. It seemed to him that this time, he really had lost Jo. It seemed this way because in all the years that they had loved and argued, she had never once resorted to physical violence. John knew that his words had really wounded Jo, and he was mentally berating himself for the total lack of respect that he had shown her. Never once had he insulted her so directly, so forcefully before.

And so, these past few days had seen John wallow in a drink induced self pity, rather than fight for her the way he normally would, as this time, he truly believed that there was nothing he could do to win Jo back. John Deed had lost his perpetual claim to the moral high ground, and didn't really care. This thought was what made him consider just how much Jo meant to him, and in turn, just how much he had lost.

____________________

After visiting the judge at his flat to drop off papers which he had requested, and finding him in no fit state to judge anything, let alone a murder case, Mrs Cooper reported to the Court Circuit Administrator that Sir John was suffering from a 72hour virus and would be unable to hear any evidence that day. Returning to the chambers, Coop met Mrs Mills in the corridor.

"Ah Coop," started Jo, "would you be so kind as to return these to His Lordship," she said with an unmistakable hint of venomous anger.

"Actually Mrs Mills, I do believe there are some papers belonging to you in chambers," lied Coop, "if you would care to follow me."

Jo, confused by Coop's formal tone and these mysterious papers, hesitantly followed the clerk into chambers. "What papers are they Coop?"

Rita missed this last enquiry, as she was busy battling with her nerves, knowing that what she desperately wanted to say was really none of her business. She had been forthcoming enough with her opinions in front of the judge when they concerned legal matters and cases he was hearing, but never before had she meddled in his personal life. Well, practically never.

"I'm sorry, Mrs Mills…..that is, I apologise in advance for what I'm about to say -"

"Coop?" asked Jo, becoming increasingly disturbed by the other woman's uncharacteristic behaviour.

"- I know that it is highly inappropriate, but I think you ought to know just exactly how the judge is faring since your last argument with him. I have never seen him so defeated Mrs Mills. He has drunk himself into a state, leaving him just about able to wander around his flat and has little or no sleep by the looks of him. He's destroying himself, because he believes he has destroyed his relationship with you!"

"John's been drinking?" Jo asked, shocked at how serious the situation sounded.

"Yes! He's not himself at all….and I know that it isn't my place at all, but it seems that you need the most obvious thing pointing out to you! If any man were to look at me the way the Judge looks at you, then I would never leave his side. Goodness, Mrs Mills, why do you think he chases after other women? Its because he thinks that they will make him better, but all he really wants is for you to love him the way that he loves you; heart and soul."

Both women were shocked at this outburst, and Jo was astounded by the depth of Coop's understanding of John, something which seemed to have evaded her for years. The highly regarded barrister now stared at the floor, ashamed. "Is he really so bad?" asked Jo, finally.

Mrs Cooper, did not answer, she simply looked the barrister straight in the eye before leaving the room. That look Jo exactly what she needed to do.


	4. Chapter 4

That evening, though still quite drunk, Deed heard the knock at his door and stumbled to answer it. "Ah Jo!" he exclaimed.

"Can I come in?" she asked, disturbed by John's appearance. Underneath the unshaven face and the bloodshot eyes, Jo could see the pain which had driven John to this state, the pain which she had inflicted. As Jo made her way to the living room, John made his way to the kitchen counter to pour himself another drink.

"John, I really don't think you need anymore, do you?" Jo said, rushing to his side and taking the bottle of scotch from his hand.

"But it makes me feel better," moaned John with the same kind of childish petulance that Mimi displayed when she was denied a walk on the green. Jo knew, however, that this statement was far from an invention of a child's imagination.

"Come on, I think you should try to sleep this off," she said, guiding the judge to his bedroom.

"Will you join me?" laughed John, as Jo shook her head, thinking how miraculous it was that, even when this drunk, he still managed to proposition her.

____________

When Jo was convinced that Deed was finally asleep, she headed to the kitchen to find some tea for herself and hopefully some coffee for John when he awoke. Whilst searching the cupboards, which she found had been rearranged since she last stayed the night, Jo came across a curious looking bundle of paper; secured by a delicate red silk ribbon. As a barrister, Jo often allowed her curiosity to get the better of her, and this was no exception, as she decided to untie the bundle and investigate further. She could not deny that there was a slight feeling of jealousy when she glanced at the letters and recognised the handwriting to be unmistakeably feminine. However, on closer inspection, she realised that the handwriting was hers. Now incurably intrigued, Jo began to read the letters.

Almost an hour later, Deed's ex pupil sat at his kitchen counter with tears streaming freely down her cheeks. She clutched several of the aforementioned letters to her chest, not noticing that some of them had caught her tears. Shortly after beginning to explore the letters' content, Jo had realised that she had written them many years ago when she was still John's pupil and they had been having their illicit affair whilst her husband was terminally ill. The guilt which Jo had felt over this affair was apparent in her letters, although as was her unshakable admiration and love for John. Eventually, Jo forced herself to finish her reading and so picked up the final letter and began.

_John,_

_I feel that there is no way to say this without hurting us both immensely and so I will just come to the point. My husband's condition is deteriorating so rapidly that I feel it is unfair to him and to my sons to continue seeing you. I know that this must seem horribly like a delayed attack of conscience on my part but yesterday, I felt myself by his bedside occupied only with thoughts of the previous night I had spent with you, rather than his well being._

_I realised that such is the intensity of your hold over me, it has overshadowed any level of concern I may have shown for this dying man. John I love you so very much I feel that if I do not stop this now, I will become so utterly consumed with thoughts of you that there will be no room left for the compassion that I must show to my husband, for the sake of my sons._

_I know that each time I see you in court, it will be even harder with the knowledge of what I am abandoning in saying these things but I pray that I will have the strength to deal with these feelings and hope that you will understand that for the sake of our spouses, and our children, we must forget our feelings, however painful it might be._

_I do love you John and please know that I never lied to you about that. I cannot bear to think of sleeping without your arms around me, or waking without your lips on mine._

_Sorry,_

_Jo _

_X_

This had, of course, turned out to be a pointless letter, as after one or two visits from John, they had resumed their affair. However, it now served a very important purpose. This letter provided Jo with a painful reality check. She now realised that one of the main problems in her relationship with John was the fact that she constantly made excuses to justify why she could not be with him, when the only true reason was her perpetual fear that John would hurt her so deep that she would never recover. First it had been her husband, Mark and Tom, then their professional relationship, Charlie, Michael Hulsey, Marc Thompson; the list was endless.

In no way did Jo believe that John himself was faultless, or blameless in all of this, she knew that part of her fear was partly caused, and worsened by the pain which she felt each time she learned of his latest fling, but she did now accept that he was not the sole cause of the problems between them. The letters had also forced Jo to realise once again how much she loved the sleeping figure in the bed across the hall. She really could not bear to think of a life without him, no matter how much she had told herself otherwise. She now felt ready to accept that John Deed had possession of her heart and with this acceptance came inspiration. Jo was sure that if he knew this, John would never hurt her again.

With the intention of talking to John straight away, Jo wandered towards the bedroom, but finding him sleeping so peacefully, she decided to wait until he woke up and so made her way to the couch with the letters still clutched in her hand.

_________________________________

A loud consistent pounding forced John Deed to wake up and confront the fact that for the first time in years, he had a hangover. Reverting back to a caveman like species, he grumbled and slowly stumbled towards the kitchen where, after much groping around, he downed two aspiring and felt like an utter fool, when considering the shameful state of self-pity which he had forced upon himself for the last few last days.

After these few moments of contemplation and a few more moments of recovery, John's focus was brought to rest upon the sleeping form on his couch. Opening the curtains, and wincing at the pain inflicted by the sunlight, he recognised that figure to be Jo. Brief memories of the previous night somehow penetrated the fog covering John's mind, as he realised that Jo had stayed the night. He also realised in that same moment, that she had found and read through the letters which he had cherished for so many years.

Seating himself in a chair besides Jo, John took a few moments to take in every part of her, breathing in her scent and thinking how long it had been since she had allowed him to do this. It had always been an experience which he had treasured and was truly humbled by; realising each time that this one delicate woman was the woman for who he would die if he was asked.

"You know how much I hate you doing that," mumbled Jo suddenly, breaking John's reverie and causing him to smile, amazed at the woman's intuition.

"Sorry, couldn't help myself," whispered John, reaching across to move a piece of hair from her eyes and letting his hand move to caress her cheek. Jo closed her eyes and sighed at the movement of John's fingertips,

"John, we need to talk."

"You found the letters," hedged John, not sure whether the fact that Jo wanted to talk to him was good or not.

"Yes. I can't believe you still have them after all this time."

"Didn't you keep mine?" asked John, slightly offended at Jo's disbelief.

"Of course, but I'm a sentimental fool!" they both laughed at this. "Do you ever read them?" Jo enquired, suddenly curious again.

"When I'm upset…..when I need to feel good about myself. Hearing that you love me Jo, even in letters -" John moved to the couch, "is the most wonderful thing and just for that moment, I can believe that you wrote the words yesterday and pretend that I haven't hurt you; that I'm not losing you." The almighty judge cast his eyes downwards with shame as he felt how much he had hurt Jo over the years, "I can believe then that you still love me."

"I do still love you John," began Jo, tilting the man's head so that his eyes met hers, "reading these last night made me remember how happy we have been at times and how much I need you in my life -"

"Jo-"

"Please John, let me finish," Jo continued, taking the strong hands resting on her knees in her own, "you have hurt me John yes, but I have pushed you away so many times, times when you just wanted to help, I have to accept some responsibility for some of our problems. You have such a good heart John, and a brilliant mind and I love you for those things, but both of us, in effect, have the same problem. I can't commit to you because I'm terrified that you will hurt me and leave me utterly broken, but that's only because I love you so deeply John." Jo took a deep breath and continued further, staring at the hands clinging onto hers. "I can't believe that you would ever intentionally hurt me now that you know why I push you away."

Still staring at the two pairs of hands, Jo felt the smallest drop of water fall onto her palm. Looking up, she found the trail that the tear had left on John's face and, her own eyes now filled, brought her hand to John's cheek to gently wipe away the tears that fell.

"Oh Jo, I am so sorry. Not just for the argument the other day, but for everything. Every insensitive remark, every selfish action, every woman that wasn't you."

"I know," said Jo, as John's tears subsided, "we all have regrets John, even me."

"What **do **you regret?"

Jo took some time to think, before taking a deep breath and replying, "not marrying you." Feeling a liberating relief after this confession, Jo leaned forward and captured John's lips in a kiss that could steal a soul. When they parted, the judge took his love's face in his hands and stared into her eyes saying simply,

"So, marry me."

"What?" Jo asked, still in a daze.

"Marry me Jo," this time it was Jo's turn to allow her tears to fall, "please. I can't imagine ever being without you, I don't want to imagine it, I……well, I…..," John sighed at his own inability to articulate his feelings before continuing, "oh God I can't even find the words to ask you!"

"John, I don't need the words anymore, I can see it in your eyes." Finding herself lost for words, Jo simply reached for John's face and placed the most gentle of kisses upon the lips of her future husband.


End file.
